Waiting for Valet
A tragicomedy in one act starring Britney Spears and Paris Hilton:
Outside Hyde. A valet station.
Paris, sitting on a low curb, is trying to take off her Jimmy Choo. She pulls at it with both hands, panting. She gives up, exhausted, tries again.
PARIS: (giving up, checking her Blackberry). So can't be done.
BRITNEY: Ain't that life? Blaming your pedi when your foot's the problem(advancing with half-drunken strides, sea legs unstable.) Totally. I've realized that too, you know? All my life, I swear, I've said to myself, Britney, be reasonable, you haven't tried everything. And I kept on struggling when the worst, most randomest shit kept happening. (She broods, musing on the struggle. Turning to Paris.) So, like, you're stuck?
PARIS: Am I?
BRITNEY: I'm glad y'all hung around. I totally thought you were gone forever.
PARIS: Me too.
BRITNEY: Together again at last! Woo-hoo! We'll have to bust a jam on this shit! But how? (She reflects.) Get up so I can hug you.
PARIS: (irritably.) Not now, not now. There aren't any cameras around.