As Long As You're Looking …:
But Mr. President, here's the thing. In return for my unconditional support of all your secret surveillance programs, I was wondering: Could you do me one small favor? For a closing deadline I'm trying to meet for work, I need my April and May statements from my Sun Trust account. I was on hold with Sun Trust forever this morning, and then they finally said they would make me a copy of my own records, but at, like, five dollars a page. Also, it's going to take them about five to seven business days to get them to me. Look, I know it's my fault for leaving this till the last minute. But could you just e-mail me those two months? That would be so great. Should I just ask the CIA for them? Can you give me the name of whoever it is that is tracking my accounts and I can follow up? Apparently I need both the front and back of each page; that's a big deal I guess.
Also, while I have you: Who should I talk with on the cable/Internet side? Because I was really ticked off about my bill this month, and when I called I got switched back and forth between Verizon and AT&T. In the end, neither of them could really figure out whether my small-business package—"Freedom To Save"—was the exact right one for my firm of a dozen or so employees, and I just totally gave up. Listen, I know this gets really tedious at your end, but I gather that as part of your Enduring Freedom campaign, you also have extensive records on my cell phone, long distance, and Internet information. So, I was just wondering if maybe someone at Treasury or I don't know where could just run the numbers and tell me what's the best plan for me? I don't want you to do it personally; I'm sure you're pretty busy right now. But if you can just tell me who to call at that end, I think we could get me set up with a calling plan by the end of the day.