Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Team Reichert presents: Stories that go nowhere:

When Reichert took the stage, I wanted him to launch into what he stands for, what his party stands for, what he hopes to accomplish, etc. I wanted meat. I wanted to be able to size him up. Instead, this is what I got: “President Bush’s tax cuts are working… Change is tough…Dreams are still happening. I read Dr. Seuss the other day….” Which flourished into a story about a little boy Reichert spoke with who wishes to grow up and be a paper cup stacker, and how he, Reichert, wants to help create a nation where this little boy can follow his dreams and stack cups for a living. People in the audience were nodding their heads as if they, too, wanted to help poor children learn to stack cups. Like their plates of soggy eggs, the crowd appeared to be lapping Reichert’s bizarre ranting up.

Reichert also spoke of having a recent man-to-man chat with Cheney to dispel rumors that he was avoiding the VP because of his low approval ratings, “and then [Cheney] offered to campaign for my opponent!” The audience guffawed. I winced. When is joking about your colleague’s low approval ratings good campaign kickoff humor? God, did I need a body shot. Instead, I was forced to start scanning the crowd in search of one person whom I would mate with and then eat, if I had to mate with and then eat anyone in the room.

However, not even my lighthearted fantasies could block Reichert’s freakish speech out. Unless I heard incorrectly, he next launched into a story about how his grandson was born a meth-baby, and that this child weighed two pounds and had burning bowel movements at birth. Meanwhile, people bravely continued eating their bacon and eggs.

10:07 PM