An index of outstanding aphorisms is here. Notables include:
If you suspect someone likes to do a lot of cocaine, don’t let them “borrow” your CDs.
Try not to get too depressed. There’s always something to look forward to. Keep alert, and sooner or later you’ll see someone slip and hurt themselves.
When it comes time to pick out that first tattoo, remember: it doesn’t matter how much you like that one comic book. There’s always a chance that eight years later someone will make a movie of it that stars Sylvester Stallone. And you’ll be fucked.
Wisdom for the ages!